02/10/2024
good afternooon I have wasted the summer away. Im on new medication, started antipsychotics at last and got some mild relaxants on the side for panic symptoms. The 1 button doesnt work well on my keyboard, i have to keysmash it for a few second for anything to appear. 1111111111111

The new meds make me incredibly restless, in a frustrating overwhelming way. it definitely has gotten me out of bed more often but at what cost when for the majority of the time im awake i feel like somethings pulling my guts out through my throat. it's pretty common with the pills i'm taking, on yesterdays assessment the doctor told me its supposed to clear away once dosage gets upped. i'm nervous to increase it, i havent taken them for a couple days but the restlessness still lingers. really reluctant to start taking them again as during the worst peak of it i got borderline suicidal because the feelings got unbearable. Not really ideal

Im getting a therapist. i would put an excited exclamation mark but the buttons dont work lol... cant express emotions... Overall stuff is definitely better compared to the start of summer, though im TOO energetic now. wish thered be like a middle ground instead of either or of the extremes. Have struggled to keep losing weight, its the difficult ''average weight'' space where losing anything feels impossible. plus ive been eating to fill out the boredom which has only gained me a couple kilos its really frustrating

I dont have money but i neeeed to splurge. ill add new drawings to gallery its been a long while since i last updated anything

03/04/2024
hello! Yawn
Happy april. very happily welcoming spring! even though it doesnt look like that in here, it snowed a LOT last night...We'll get positive degrees next week so it likely wont last for long though.
Im feeling okay. Have succesfully gone to school once every week with dad's help for which i'm so crazy grateful for. I've lost some weight

School shooting took place in finland yesterday, it was big news, still is. I think that's only the 4th we've had in finland? Messed up either way. The kids involved were/are all 12 years old, 1 dead 2 injured and the shooter was caught not long after. It's still being investigated so nobody knows much, only that the motive had to do with bullying.

26/02/2024
It has been a while since I've touched the brackets program. i haven't really touched any other of my creative hobbies in general either. I did start keeping a diary which has actually been nice, I keep it next to my pillow so it's not much effort to grab it and write. the pen is attached to it too :) .
I am supposed to have art done for a sped assignment. The due date is tomorrow, i have not even started. haven't even started thinking of what i'd make. i dont really enjoy the sped appointments. They only last an hour or so and have rarely actually been as bad as my mind makes them to be But it's unpleasant nevertheless.
Not much has really happened since i last wrote, almost exactly a month ago. i've done the same exact things, maybe even less, just cooped in my apartment by myself in bed for the majority. i really just stay in bed for all day. I did make it to school last week as my dad agreed to help by giving me a ride to the campus and back home, i'm very grateful. Already decided i wont go this week, or the next.
I think my vision has gotten a little worse. screens actually irritate my eyes a little and i have to keep squinting to unblur everything lol. consequence of having tech related hobbies for years . my vision wasn't great to begin with, i barely see with my left eye. my right eye is in better condition. With my left i can see things closest to me but everything further away is fuzz
past couple weeks have been especially tough, those come and go. Hard to find enjoyment in anything ,feel very very empty and wrong. Experiencing depersonalization a lot if i stop whatever im doing and aren't distracted for longer than a second. I dont have enough help. in the process of finding a new therapist but that could still take months. I want to take up calling crisis hotlines just for the company. for some reason i dont feel allowed to lol, feel like i need a grown ups permission as if i'm not past 18 myself
Only typing to procrastinate starting on the assignment. no clue what to draw, i feel like my drawings are only suitable online. Online i'm fine with uploading and sharing them but for some reason it feels like i'd break rules by submitting any of them for real life things, no clue where that stems from. too used to thinking of hyperrealistic oil paintings when it comes to my degree I always instinctively only paint realism for school assignments lolol Should get myself out of that way of thinking.
i'll try to get something done. I need winter to be over.

29/01/2024
i think my meds are working a little. It has been a lot easier to get up and do things, but i think the change will be difficult. my sick leave is ending on the 15th next month. I know i'll probably manage, but just the thought feels stressful since i'll have to fill in more forms for money benefits again, transportation is my biggest worry. The campus is an hour drive away from where i Live, i have to travel by bus. The long bus ride is not difficult on it's own, if anything it's pleasant, but to get to the bus station and from the bus station to back home are the difficult parts (￢‿￢ ). will have to use the public transportation which during those hours are packed, It scares me. the Teenagers scare me

i cleaned my entire apartment some days ago! It was stressful and tiring but i got it done and felt good by the end of it. i appreciate my family for helping. I learned to homebrew my Nintendo dsi and have been playing a lot of Style Savvy lol. i only wish i could find my 3ds for Tomodachi life... I think it has a more advanced flipnote too. Can't find it anywhere though it's completely disappeared, i ravaged through the garage like a mole trying to find it but was left empty handed ( ` ω ´ )

i hope Spring comes fast, summer is always a happier time. I'm very tired hearing of the entire world going to war, but right now i feel good. i just realized i forgot to take my dosage ,i will add drawings to the gallery

12/01/2024
good monring:) I haven't slept, it is nearing 7 am. I slep the entirety of yesterday again lol, im not sure why i was so tired but i could not stay awake. i dreamt of the world ending. Felt like my ear was infected, maybe that was making me so sleepy? the pressury feeling is gone now Im not sure if it just came and went.
its 2024 has been for a couple weeks now, Happy new year xD i dont have much hope for whats to happen, only thing i can really wish for is that things stay safe for me and my family , every year they threaten the possibility of war here more and more

everything's pretty much the same since the last time I wrote, although its hard to know for sure since my memory is very scattered, i hardly remember anything . I did get to try shrooms which overall went great, it was a lovely experience and im looking forward to trying again whenever the supplier guy is back, apparently he's away until some time. im not sure if ive done anything else Every day is blurring together more and more its getting harder to keep track

i Think thats all i have in mind, i think ill try writing down my dreams and adding songs to music log. Happy Friday

27/12/2023
it is 4:39 AM . i am watching the batman (2022). paul dano i Dream of you ..... (◕‿◕)
I wish to add a resources page to the site as well as a chatbox...I dont think itd be impossible to figure it out but i get overwhelmed at the mere thought xD i know chatbox is probably a lot of code and i fear itll mess up my sheets, i get confused easily. It was christmas some days ago, on sunday (we celebrate it on the 24th here). I spent it by myself, father brought me a hoodie i asked as a gift and some food, i was grateful. It is hard to not feel mellow during the holidays now

I might have a chance to try shrooms on friday.. Have been wanting to for a while but i lack the connections lolol. i wish winter wasnt so excruciatingly long . . . It is hard to feel anything positive

i could add a page for movies too.. I get very excited about them xD watched The lighthouse today finally, i shouldve watched it way sooner. i really enjoyed it :) i really need to get to a dentist

huge creativity block in all aspects, its Frustrating. I have the motivation but when it comes to execution i black out lol .. tomorrow i'll try leaving the house. have been stuck inside for a while again, i cant remember how long, maybe a week or longer ? I did take out the trash today because it was starting to smell. a pair of friends were having a smoke at the same time near the garbage bins , it made it difficult. Its hard to be around people, i feel everyone has something against me. I had never seen them before, they had never seen me, yet i was still convinced they were going to hurt me when they got near . or do it behind my back, Judge the way i walked judge the way i struggled to carry the bags judged my glasses or shoes or hair or my entire presence ( ﾟ，_ゝ｀)

Staying cooped inside for so long definitely isnt making it any better .. i only wish it was easier to turn things around. its so much of an effort and to keep it up id have to keep it up constantly with no breaks, it sounds exhausting and i dont want to .. Im not sure how everyone else handles these things how do they handle existing the standard idealized way ? it is upsetting to think ill never get to experience the norm , that atop everything else makes me feel More and more alienated from everybody. I dont think ill ever belong especially here , around these people i dont even feel human from time to time

21/12/2023
no matter how much I sleep im tired... 3 minutes until 5 PM im still barely awake .Fell asleep probably around 8am? But i did sleep most of the night before that. on tuesday (its Thursday now, had to check the calendar xD) i slept the entire day. So the day itself doesnt even exist in my mind, its messing up my inner schedule (¯ . ¯٥) .
i share the same sleep Schedule with my hamster lol. It feels bad post-sleep for wasting so much time but sleeping does feel good. Maybe i should enjoy the privilege of being able to sleep 24/7 ... i feel so estranged from the world , it feels lonely. Im not part of any social circles , i barely talk to anybody during the day even online. maybe one message to my parents ,or some one-time interaction online responding to a comment. Other than that i just talk to my hamster , really ▓▒░(°◡°)░▒▓. I do have weekly support visits from the staff but theyre pretty vague since im not very Talkative , its hard to have natural conversations since theyre doing this as their job. I wonder what they think of me , i havent had any contact with the neighbors either. The staff keeps trying to urge me to join weekly meetings but even though i live here and have my place I feel like i'd be interfering lol.I do enjoy being alone but sometimes it feels weird when i think of it any longer than vaguely. Feels very alienating , im not part of anything while everyone else seems to be. Even among the socially inept I am the socially inept.....Inception...

Not good for me to think of it too much Ignorance is bliss! i have heartburn from sparkling water.I should visit the store i have a package there to pick up. i have clementines in the fridge and another bottle of sparkling water.Im sleepy and tired. christmas is in 3 days but sadly it doesnt mean anything anymore, I'll be by myself in bed as any other day lolol .It does make me sad, i wish i existed for other people .It feels no matter what i do i'll be ignored or avoided and ive tried so hard But the bad experiences really overpower the few good ones .I wish for one friend i could talk to, i am very alone (・_・)
I'll eat clementines

re-read earlier entries, completely forgot I had already mentioned sleeping through tuesday . man

20/12/2023
good morning:) I am waiting for an appointment to begin, it'll start in 10 minutes. not feeling motivated for it at all but no can do lol.
Yesterday i slept through the entire day and night without exaggeration... the day doesnt even register in my mind it just doesnt exist. and im still tired. in my head its still tuesday because thats the day i completely slept through xD Wild
social insurance Company called me today, i'll be getting sick benefits for the next few months as my main income source. the lady said its around 30€ per day, less from my normal income but a pretty good amount nevertheless :-) I only hope i'll get some help with the bills and rent too since those take up more than half from my paycheck, i sent in the applications and stuff but they havent started processing them yet. end of the year so i have to renew all of them , its Stressful

Im sweating .appointment wil start in 4 minutes, i should start getting ready

14/12/2023
The state of The world feels to only get scarier everyday...hard to find trustful source Online for events that arent politically charged. Im very sleepy:) i have woken up with a bloody nose every morning for the past almost Two weeks now, it is frustrating because i have to get up for tissue.I should just keep a roll next to me .But even that is too much work
It is sad how cruel lots of people are I have noticed . nobody seems to understand and it is frustrating and tiring...I havent gone to therapy in months now,its too expensive. the last few times I attended felt useless I think i need to find a anew therapist and start over.! But money keeps getting tighter... I did get a call with a doctor :) extended my sick leave I forgot i already mentioned that last time i wrote
I feel very lonely with my thoughts Music has been helpful, ive been finding new artists and bands from my listening sessions xD the keyboard feels greasy on my fingers i dont like it. i think i will try to draw,last night (this morning) when I went to sleep i had so many ideas i hope they will translate!I will update gallery with new drawings

05/12/2023
Hello
today Hasn't been good at all. aftermath is arms hurting and it stings to move
my harder patch has continued for a few months now, My sick leave got extended another 3 months. now im on total of three different medications, I got prescribed a new one to take with the other two and today was my first day taking it so obviously nothing has changed yet xP I just hope itll make things easier even a little bit, im really tired
I put clothes up for sale on a secondhand shop yesterday so hopefully that will give me some extra allowance. in one day i had gathered 36€ so its a start:). Im very broke. payday is on friday though! half of it will go to paying debt and bills and rent. im very stressed, the year is changing so ill have to fill a ton of applications for possibly sickpay but also my normal source of income since im not employed. the beach boys are telling me to not worry (baby).
Its hard to go outside and its hard to look into the mirror. taking care of myself is hard, i havent taken a wash in a few days now and its really bothering me but i Just cant get up, its horrible. even changing the water on my bottle Takes too much effort. i hope things would change soon but the negatives are overwhelming. The government will be cutting on rehab funds which affects me, my only source of income is the rehab allowance. I'm not in any shape to be employed so it will be difficult, even more difficult than it already is now. its horrible how the big parties continue to favor the rich while everybody else in a worse state gets cut out. No changes to the lives of the rich while funds on mental health support and help get cut , i wish it wasnt so considering how poor the Help already is. Poor mental health increases poverty, poverty increases poor mental health hmmmm
It feels good to have an outlet. i wish i had more control over my life, I wish i wasnt so lonely

13/11/2023
Evening.....
when was the last time i wrote anything lol Whole months ago... Hard creative block on all aspects... haven't been able to draw anything significant :-P im currently on sick leave from school, been for a month now. it's officially ending tomorrow on the 14th but I highly doubt i'll get back on it, atleast not this week. we arranged a meeting for thursday next week so then I'll be forced to. Money is so stressful, i have around 200€ left and next paycheck is december 8th x_x. Still need to buy meds, pay therapy and electricity bills which have probably already crossed deadlines. plus 100€ in debt I might die lol.
One of my hamsters sadly died some weeks ago. it was to old age, he was nearing 3 years already! old little man! his twin is still alive and chipper But he's the same age so i know he wont have much time sadly.
Everythings going pretty terribly but i'd say its all good .i need to go to the store and then ill go smoke xP

30/08/2023
hello :3c Has been a while i haven't felt like doing html stuff. last time i touched the site it was.... may and now it is end of august nearing september x.x Lot has happened. i moved into new apartment in 1st of july and things have gone well here. Could be better but could be worse so i say it is going ok (y). money is tough, i have 28 cents on my account for now until dads transfer comes through :p living alone is expensive it turns out. I built up more debt to pay so i think itll be only rougher for the next couple months. i wish it was easier and i didnt spend so much on impulsive dumb stuff for momentary bliss. i applied for some help funds so hopefully those come through so next month wont be as difficult, ive been living off carrots and pepperoni for a little while now hehe
what else is new I've put on some weight which is stressful. probably metabolism slowing down as i age lolol its been making me upset but what can u do. probably happens to everyone...Summerbreak ended so schools are back! i think its going ok. i havent had many troubles with it so far and have actually enjoyed the days i have gone. stayed home last week because i missed my buses and it sent me into depressing feelings which spiraled into whole other new issues x_x Planning to go tomorrow if i manage to fall asleep early enough, have to wake up at 5am on school mornings. i slept really long today for some reason so i worry i might not be able to get enough sleep to wake up on time tomorrow. but we will see.... I downloaded tomodachi life to my laptop hehe its been fun. i never got the game on my ds, i remember only playing the free demo over and over again. emulators r good fun
i'll go play splatoon!

13/05/2023
Good evening its very hot here I'm not ready for this time of year eugh i love summer but it gets way too hot in my bedroom, already at 30 celsius x_x My past few days have been really messy I relapsed pretty bad and yesterday i greened out HARD which led to a very intense derealization episode which was terrifying to put it lightly :-P

money's good for now atleast for the next few weeks :-) I managed to finally get some cleaning done too and eliminated my bug problem! I still need to clear the under of my bed and sort some clothes, i'll try to put some up for sale at the thrift store. it's earned me a lot the previous times i've done it ^_^ OH I MANAGED TO PAY OFF ALL MY DEBT!! It feels so reliving im finally free :3

08/05/2023
hgood Evening i am hungry and out of money. 33 cents on my bank account! ive been trying to edit the 'about' page for a while Im struggling with it too much for my own good. why is it so difficult what part of basic css coding is my brain not grasping.

look at this masterpiece formatting. truly seamless!!!! Its rough because somehow the font and stuff is different on my preview chrome page and on my actual chrome page. No clue how else to put that. but thats the main issue currently. It's all bolder and wider on my main chrome page hmmmmm t_t i'll get back to fucking around with it until something magically works out.

07/05/2023
It is 9 minutes past midnight ^-^ i wish i was high . ive been dissociating a lot for the past couple days, i constantly feel kinda out of it :-( if i stop and stare into nothing for even a little i'll get really stuck and its difficult to go back to what i was doing. Even right now im trying really hard to keep typing so i dont go all blank again. i wish i had motivation and inspiration to draw so i could keep distracted but im so drained of creativity i cant come up with any fun ideas, it really sucks. will just have to wait for one of those random creativity bursts i get every few months. I'll play around with the website a little for now though which will keep me busy :-) let us pray for a nice rest of the night!

03/05/2023
Good evening :3 my scheduled time for the supported living period got pushed back since the worker was sick. I lucked out hehe i really wasnt feeling up to it atm. im not sure when itll start instead but im guessing ill have the rest of the week off ^_^ im really excited about it i havent had complete freetime in a while so its relieving. Yesterday me and my therapist visited another supported living facility and it was SO COOL!! i think itd be the perfect place for me, theres just enough privacy and group activity for it to not be uncomfortable, its on an amazing spot it has two stores right by it, theres a bus stop on the other side of the road and its right by the river :-) i will send in an application soon once i get some help with it. Things are looking good right now

02/05/2023
hello :-) first time writing an entry. I'm waiting for my therapy appointment, it's in around an hour. redrum redrum redrum i have the Shining playing. i had too much caffeine and its making my hands tremble a lot im insanely shaky lol theyre like vibrators. tomorrow im going back to supported living for another week Im kinda dreading it. its not a bad place im just lazy. + I have to leave my hamsters at home and it makes me sad, last time i missed them so much :( here's johnny. My hands were shaking so much i wasnt able to get my belt on so i gave up and started working on the site again. im having a lot of fun with it. Most of the stuff i manage to do here is by typing shit in and hoping for the best. has worked so far :3 Anyway ill get back to it now. i have to resume getting dressed soon so i wont be late. byebye!